Well, ya got trouble, my friend.
Right here, I say trouble right here in River City
Why, sure, I’m a billiard player
Certainly mighty proud to say,
I’m always mighty proud to say it
I consider the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden
Help you cultivate horse sense and a cool head and a keen eye
Didja ever take an’ try an’ give an iron clad leave
to yourself from a three-rail billiard shot?
But just as I say it takes judgement, brains and maturity
to score in a balk-line game
I say that any boob can take and shove a ball in a pocket
And I call that sloth,
the first big step on the road to the depths of degreda-
I say, first- medicinal wine from a teaspoon,
then beer from a bottle
And the next thing you know your son is playin’
for money in a pinchback suit
and listenin’ to some big out-o’-town jasper
Hear him tell about horserace gamblin’
Not a wholesome trottin’ race, no,
but a race where they set down right on the horse
Like to see some stuck up jockey boy sittin’ on Dan Patch?
Make your blood boil, well I should say
Now, folks, let me show you what I mean
You got one, two, three, four, five, six pockets in a table
Pockets that mark the difference between a gentleman and a bum
With a capital ‘B’ and that rhymes with ‘P’ and that stands for ‘pool’
And all week long, your River City youth’ll be fritterin’ away
I say, your young men’ll be fritterin’
Fritterin’ away their noontime, suppertime, choretime, too
Hit the ball in the pocket
Never mind gettin’ dandelions pulled or the screen door patched
or the beefsteak pounded
Never mind pumpin’ any water ‘til your parents are caught
with a cistern empty on a Saturday night and that’s trouble
Oh, ya got lots and lots o’ trouble
I’m thinkin’ of the kids in the knickerbockers shirttails,
young ones peekin’ in the pool hall window after school
Ya got trouble, folks, right here in River City
with a capital ‘T’ and that rhymes with ‘P’ and that stands for ‘pool’
Now I know all you folks are the right kind of parents
I’m gonna be perfectly frank
Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on
while they’re loafin’ around that hall
They’ll be tryin’ out Bevo, tryin’ out Cubebs,
tryin’ out tailor-mades like cigarette fiends
And braggin’ all about how they’re gonna cover up
a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen
Now one fine night they leave the pool hall
headin’ for the dance at the Armory
Libertine men and scarlet women and ragtime
Shameless music that’ll grab your son, your daughter
into the arms of a jungle animal instinct- massteria!
Friends, the idle brain is the devil’s playground, trouble!
Oh, we got trouble
Right here in River City
Right here in River City
With a capital ‘T’ and that rhymes with ‘P’ and that stands for ‘pool’
That stands for pool
We surely got trouble
We surely got trouble
Right here in River City
Right here
Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones
moral after school
Spoken: Mothers of River City,
heed this warning before it’s too late
Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption
The minute your son leaves the house
does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee?
Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?
A dime novel hidden in the corncrib?
Is he starting to memorize jokes
from Cap’n Billy’s Whizbang?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like... swell?
And... ‘so’s your old man’?
Well if so, my friends...
Ya got trouble
Oh, we got trouble
Right here in River City
Right here in River City
With a capital ‘T’ and that rhymes with ‘P’ and that stands for ‘pool’
That stands for pool
We’ve surely got trouble
We surely got trouble
Right here in River City
Right here
Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule?
Oho, we got trouble
We’re in terrible, terrible trouble
That game with the fifteen numbered balls is the devil’s tool
Devil’s tool
Yes, we’ve got trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, yes, we got trouble here, we got big, big trouble
With a ‘T’
With a capital ‘T’
And that rhymes with ‘P’
That rhymes with ‘P’
And that stands for pool
That stands for pool
Remember my friends, listen to me,
because I pass this way but once
